Obsessive Workouts For Beginners

Preface: I don’t like the verb obsess or any of its tenses. I don’t hate it, but ever since I found out I have ADD and then later found out that people with ADD can hyperfocous on anything that interests them, I find the word obsess to be an inaccurate description concerning the level of attention I can give to cool shit. Despite the truth in that run-on sentence, I feel obligated to admit my friends have been labeling me “obsessed” about the shit I find interesting for a long ass time. I say tomato, you say it best when you say nothing at all.
I gained seven pounds when the sausage festival was closed for the holidays. I know it seems like nothing but weight numbers are my bread and butter, pun slightly intended. I always weigh 147 pounds. Always being ever since I lost 26 pounds last year. It was hard work losing that weight. 147 isn’t even my goal.
My goal weight is 129 pounds. I came by the number thanks to Nintendo and the game Wii Fit. 129 has been my goal weight for about fiveish years.
I know you want to say shit about my goal weight number. It’s cool, feel free. I mean Nintendo has been making my life better since the 80’s, so me and Nintendo kinda go all the way back. You’ve been around for like a minute and you want me to believe that my classic friend Nintendo doesn’t have my back. It’s total bullshit, but whatever. I respect your right to be jealous of my relationship with Nintendo. Obviously that’s what your sudden attitude problem is about.
Fiveish years is a long fucking time to be trying to lose weight. I find it hard to stay focused on eating right because sugar is always coming out with new ways to distract me. Just yesterday sugar was all “Have you tried my milk chocolate covered potato chips? Put this tasty in your mouth right the fuck now. You won’t regret it. Trust me.” Yum. So yum. Totally worth the self-hating guilt and crippling remorse.
A week ago I downloaded a step counting app on my iPhone to help me stay active and lose the weight. It was all “Walk 10,00 steps every day.” Easy peasy. I walk all day. Even during my breaks. I eat and walk at the same time, multitasking like a professional. Then I noticed the app has a weight loss plan. It was all “Burn 1774 calories in week one.” Sure. No problem.
Except my feet hurt all the time now. Like a lot. Pretty much from my knees down everything is dull throbby pain. Even the toes.
Last night I jogged for 20 minutes trying to reach a burn of 609 calories for the day. I’d explain why but it’s a whole story with a lot going on. Plus, that was yesterday and I’m totally over it.

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Hyperfocused much?

When I’m not taking Adderall I find most shit to be boring. Not just boring. Utterly boring. Stupid boring. The most boring shit pretty much ever. Small talk is boring. Any color that isn’t neon is stupid. Just everything ever fucking sucks so much and I hate how boring it always is.
Except some people, anything neon, and my brain’s equivalent of a junk-drawer full of random shit that totally radiates with life so hard my mouth salivates like I bit my cheek on accident. My all-time favorite people are just the most interesting and fascinating people ever. Their lives are like pirates’ treasure to me. I am grateful to know them. I am grateful they exist.
Neon is the best invention ever. Amiright? I can’t think of a single thing that wouldn’t look better in neon. All the neon colors are all good and they all look good together. So good. If neon was a person, I’d hit it and never quit it.
Right now,though, I am obsessed with essential oils. I can’t even tell you exactly how it started but me and essential oils have been going strong for a solid minute. I currently own about ten essential oils.
Lemon is my favorite. In the morning I put lemon oil in a bowl full of water. Then I drop grapes into the bowl. I leave the grapes in the lemon oil water for a few minutes and then I fish them out and pack them for work. I eat my lemon oil grapes for breakfast. They are delicious. And theoretically good for me.
I also use tea tree oil. Every single day. I put it on my face in the morning and the evening. I used to hate the smell of tea tree oil, but now I kinda like it. Fine. I more than kinda like the smell of tea tree oil.
I google essential-oil-related shit every other day. I follow the Instagram, FaceBook, and Pinterest accounts of other people more obsessed than I am with essential oil. I’ve taken pictures of my essential oils. I am ashamed to admit that last one.
If you have no idea what essential oils are all about; go suck a peppermint oiled dick. But only if it’s an oil made by a company whose oils are considered safe to ingest.

Skinny Bitch? More like Tricked Bitch

I’m not going to get all flowerey with a built up story involving detailed background or the dialogue between me and supporting characters.
I bought a diet book on Saturday at the Goodwill in Peoria.
1. because I fucking love to read diet books. They fascinate me 2. because the book was titled Skinny Bitch and I get a little turned on when someone calls me a bitch. I’m also a huge fan of cunt. Want to put me in the mood? Call me either one of those words. Do it in public if you want me to find you irresistible. Do it while we’re doing it if you want me to think you’re a fucked up person slash the greatest lover I’ve ever known.
Skinny Bitch turned out to be a book about chucking out ALL of your bad addictions. There is a line at the end of the first paragraph “But if you need it, give it up.” that I don’t quite grok. It haunts my inner mantra record player broken on repeat. I can’t be positive that I fully grasp it and I can’t stop saying it to myself like a mystery with the potential to destroy me if I don’t figure it out.
Skinny Bitch is fucking dead serious about giving up everything that is no es bueno for you. Meat, cheese, dairy, refined sugar, alcohol, cigarettes, aspartame, soda, caffeine, we’re talking all the really good bad shit.
I knew by the end of Saturday night that I was going vegan. No part of me WANTS to be a vegan. But after reading that book no part of me wants to eat meat ever again.
Don’t get me wrong. I fucking hate hippies. I can’t stand how much I love the dumbass smell of their goddamn patchouli drenched bodies. I don’t want to hear anything their burnt out brains manage to word vomit out of their stupid, stupid, soooo fucking stupid stoner mouths. I just want them to go away and come back after someone gives them a nice prison scene hose down and a for real fucking hair cut.
But that book wasn’t written by or for a hippie. It was written by two real clever bitches and it was aimed at assholes like me. Which is distracting and confusing. Why do vegans want people like me on their team? I one hundred percent, no shit, believe the statement “But Bacon.” is a legitimate retort to the argument against eating meat. I’m not saying I will ever use the argument to put any more dead animals into my mouth.
I just can’t eat meat anymore. Not after reading that well written bullshit book.
Which makes today day three of my thirty day phase out out animal products until Sandra is a vegan detox diet. I’m actually doing pretty good. I gave up dairy months ago when Ambien GTP wouldn’t shut up about how bad milk was for women. She scared me milk less. Week one is no meat, no aspartame. Week two will be no cheese, no cream, no butter, no eggs. Week four will be no cigarettes, no sugar.
Not to brag on myself but quitting caffeine was stupid easy. Because Adderall.
If you’re wondering what the moral to this story is go fuck yourself.

Third Person Comfort Thoughts

When I’m worried about myself I think in third person.
“Sandra has been sick for over a week. Maybe she should go to the doctor.”
I think I’ve said this before but I have trouble with doctors. If they say something important I have to write it down or I will forget it before it’s even said. If I can avoid going to the doctor when I’m sick I will at any cost to my health. Going to the doctor always feels like going to the car repair shop. I have no fucking clue if whatever whoever says is wrong is the truth or not and now I have to decide how much money I want to spend without any clue what my best option is.
I thought I had a kidney stone because I was in more pain than I usually am and it was getting worse. But the doctor said for sure I had an infection but it was doubtful I had a stone. So he sent me to the hospital for a cat scan. Then he called me and told me the cat scan shows I have venous congestion syndrome.
That’s just fucking awesome. It’s three words and they don’t make any sense together and I can’t remember it even though I’ve looked it up three times and texted it at least five. Whatever.
When I found out I had ADD I was relieved. It’s nice to put a name to why I can’t ever find my keys when I leave the house(shout out to Adderall for making that problem disappear. You kick ass!).
Dealing with John Herny’s ADD issues has been stressful and therapeutic at the same time. Old wounds are opened and examined. I find myself open and willing to change for the sake of John Henry’s future. Life is challenging and exciting.
But this whole venous whatever don’tcare business is not okay. I just don’t even want to get into how pissed off and frustrated thinking about it makes me. I can’t even put it in third person to deal with or swallow. “Sandra has venous.” Nope. Stop right there. Sandra can go fuck yourself cuz I’m not dealing with this made up sounding bullshit right now.
In other news, I’m down to 153 pounds and feeling pretty good about my weight loss progress.
I’m also less than a 1000 snapchats away from catching up to tiny dancer!
It’s been five days since I’ve had any caffeine. It would be more but I was drinking diet Dr. Pepper because I didn’t know it had caffeine.
Sandra out.