Obsessive Workouts For Beginners

Preface: I don’t like the verb obsess or any of its tenses. I don’t hate it, but ever since I found out I have ADD and then later found out that people with ADD can hyperfocous on anything that interests them, I find the word obsess to be an inaccurate description concerning the level of attention I can give to cool shit. Despite the truth in that run-on sentence, I feel obligated to admit my friends have been labeling me “obsessed” about the shit I find interesting for a long ass time. I say tomato, you say it best when you say nothing at all.
I gained seven pounds when the sausage festival was closed for the holidays. I know it seems like nothing but weight numbers are my bread and butter, pun slightly intended. I always weigh 147 pounds. Always being ever since I lost 26 pounds last year. It was hard work losing that weight. 147 isn’t even my goal.
My goal weight is 129 pounds. I came by the number thanks to Nintendo and the game Wii Fit. 129 has been my goal weight for about fiveish years.
I know you want to say shit about my goal weight number. It’s cool, feel free. I mean Nintendo has been making my life better since the 80’s, so me and Nintendo kinda go all the way back. You’ve been around for like a minute and you want me to believe that my classic friend Nintendo doesn’t have my back. It’s total bullshit, but whatever. I respect your right to be jealous of my relationship with Nintendo. Obviously that’s what your sudden attitude problem is about.
Fiveish years is a long fucking time to be trying to lose weight. I find it hard to stay focused on eating right because sugar is always coming out with new ways to distract me. Just yesterday sugar was all “Have you tried my milk chocolate covered potato chips? Put this tasty in your mouth right the fuck now. You won’t regret it. Trust me.” Yum. So yum. Totally worth the self-hating guilt and crippling remorse.
A week ago I downloaded a step counting app on my iPhone to help me stay active and lose the weight. It was all “Walk 10,00 steps every day.” Easy peasy. I walk all day. Even during my breaks. I eat and walk at the same time, multitasking like a professional. Then I noticed the app has a weight loss plan. It was all “Burn 1774 calories in week one.” Sure. No problem.
Except my feet hurt all the time now. Like a lot. Pretty much from my knees down everything is dull throbby pain. Even the toes.
Last night I jogged for 20 minutes trying to reach a burn of 609 calories for the day. I’d explain why but it’s a whole story with a lot going on. Plus, that was yesterday and I’m totally over it.


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