Skinny Bitch? More like Tricked Bitch

I’m not going to get all flowerey with a built up story involving detailed background or the dialogue between me and supporting characters.
I bought a diet book on Saturday at the Goodwill in Peoria.
1. because I fucking love to read diet books. They fascinate me 2. because the book was titled Skinny Bitch and I get a little turned on when someone calls me a bitch. I’m also a huge fan of cunt. Want to put me in the mood? Call me either one of those words. Do it in public if you want me to find you irresistible. Do it while we’re doing it if you want me to think you’re a fucked up person slash the greatest lover I’ve ever known.
Skinny Bitch turned out to be a book about chucking out ALL of your bad addictions. There is a line at the end of the first paragraph “But if you need it, give it up.” that I don’t quite grok. It haunts my inner mantra record player broken on repeat. I can’t be positive that I fully grasp it and I can’t stop saying it to myself like a mystery with the potential to destroy me if I don’t figure it out.
Skinny Bitch is fucking dead serious about giving up everything that is no es bueno for you. Meat, cheese, dairy, refined sugar, alcohol, cigarettes, aspartame, soda, caffeine, we’re talking all the really good bad shit.
I knew by the end of Saturday night that I was going vegan. No part of me WANTS to be a vegan. But after reading that book no part of me wants to eat meat ever again.
Don’t get me wrong. I fucking hate hippies. I can’t stand how much I love the dumbass smell of their goddamn patchouli drenched bodies. I don’t want to hear anything their burnt out brains manage to word vomit out of their stupid, stupid, soooo fucking stupid stoner mouths. I just want them to go away and come back after someone gives them a nice prison scene hose down and a for real fucking hair cut.
But that book wasn’t written by or for a hippie. It was written by two real clever bitches and it was aimed at assholes like me. Which is distracting and confusing. Why do vegans want people like me on their team? I one hundred percent, no shit, believe the statement “But Bacon.” is a legitimate retort to the argument against eating meat. I’m not saying I will ever use the argument to put any more dead animals into my mouth.
I just can’t eat meat anymore. Not after reading that well written bullshit book.
Which makes today day three of my thirty day phase out out animal products until Sandra is a vegan detox diet. I’m actually doing pretty good. I gave up dairy months ago when Ambien GTP wouldn’t shut up about how bad milk was for women. She scared me milk less. Week one is no meat, no aspartame. Week two will be no cheese, no cream, no butter, no eggs. Week four will be no cigarettes, no sugar.
Not to brag on myself but quitting caffeine was stupid easy. Because Adderall.
If you’re wondering what the moral to this story is go fuck yourself.


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