Schoolboy Problems

I’m just going to say the thing that has been bothering me since Sunday. I mean type. I want to be able to talk about it but I can’t. I pretty much only think about it in one minute increments because that’s how long I can think about it before my eyes start to get all betrayal-ey and water up like pussy bitches. Today I tried to bring it up to my co-worker who is also a single mother kind of but I just couldn’t get the words to leave my lips. Ugh. There go my dumb dickless eyeballs again. Fuck.
John Henry said he wished he had a father on Sunday night. We had a tiny one minute conversation about John Henry’s dad and it was over. For now. It fucking hurts so much. My current take away is that I suck at being a single parent if my kid is asking for a dad after six years. I thought that I was doing a bang up job but very clearly I am so fucking not. It’s more like I’m doing a bang up job of fucking up my kid and his entire worldview and self-esteem and anything slash everything that’s not at all important. Maybe it’s not that bad but right now it feels that bad. It feels falling down the rabbit hole that bad. When I let myself feel it anyway. It’s just too deep. Bullshit. I’m fucking crying.
Moving on quickly.
I make a HUGE joke about how it takes me three times to learn a new person’s name and how by the third meeting that new person usually hates me and is all “We’ve already met before. Twice. Are you serious that you don’t remember me?” Sometimes they will hate stare at me or mutter “asshole” and make every effort to not ever talk to me again. Some people take it as a challenge to make a good third impression so I don’t forget them again. But it hardly ever takes more than three times for me to learn a person.
It’s not a joke and it’s not even funny. It sucks so much. I hate when new people hate me because I can’t remember meeting them before ever. I used to tell myself that if they weren’t boring I’d remember them but that’s a straight up lie. Except that some people are sooooo interesting that it really only takes one time. Sad confession, sooooo interesting people are seriously rare. And this is why I can’t be bothered to care what anyone thinks of me. Because just as many people secretly hate me as openly hate me and not very many people actually like me while the people that do like me eventually get tired of how forgetful and self-involved I am.
Today John Henry and I went to the park after school and there was a kid in John Henry’s class and John Henry clearly had no idea what his name was even though the kid yelled John Henry’s name when we arrived. The mom introduced herself to me. Ten minutes later John Henry was all what’s her name? And I was all why would I know?
Then it fucking hit me. She told it to me and I had no idea what it was, even though I totally called John Henry out for not knowing his classmate’s name. It never occurred to me that the whole name thing was a for reals ADD problem. NEVER. I kinda thought it was just me being my usual jackass weirdo that can’t get normal people every day shit right.
Then later John Henry asked her what her name was and she told him and I made sure to memorize it in case I ever see her again. Not that I will recognize her face though. Names and faces together is fucking hard, yo. How does everybody else do it? I mean, I’m pretty sure there isn’t enough Adderall in the world to help me with the name/face problem. Right?


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