My back pain has back pain

Seriously.
It hurts so much I can’t focus properly.
I can distract myself for a short amount of time but it’s been two days and it isn’t getting any better.
If you’re feeling any sympathy for me you should cut that shit in two and only give me half.
The truth is I got wasted at a party on Saturday and fell down. I was in a bathroom. I was also wearing very high wedge heels(they’re fabulous, you would love them, I can go on about them for hours but it will detract from what I’m trying to do here so I’ll save that until the end for you because these shoes are just wait for it). It was a Mardi Gras party, so I slipped on a wig that was lying on the floor. I was trying to powder my nose so that it wouldn’t look shiny in pictures. I fell hard. There is a bruise on my arm, my knee hurts, and half my front body is not happy with my lifestyle choices.
I don’t know why I insist on wearing wedge heels when I know I’m going to be drunk. Who doesn’t love a good stability challenge though, amiright?
I’m not a drinker. I’m not lying when I make the statement that PBR is the only beer society needs, and all other beer creations plus subsequent manufactures is frivolous and greedy.
I do love a good party though. So. Fucking. Much.
I’m too honest and loud and mean when I’m drunk but when everyone else is drunk too it comes off as witty and volume appropriate. Plus drunk people are so nice and supportive. They listen to your stories and laugh at ALL your jokes.
Only sober people with a dark sense of humor laugh at my jokes. Every now and again that ends up being no one in a room full of humorless assholes.
So yeah. I got wasted fall down drunk. And I wore inappropriate footwear. I want your sympathy but we both know I haven’t earned it. Not all of it.
I spent all of Sunday lying on the couch watching something on television. Cartoons I think. I took a nap too. And a Vicodin.
Pain medicine is the worst fucking joke ever. Vicodin makes me sleepy, nauseous, and constipated. It also makes the pain go byebye but I can’t function on Vicodin. I can’t drive, I can’t work, I can’t even think straight. Vicodin is a fun time pill.
I thought naproxen would be better but the bottle says take every 12 hours as needed. How come after 2 hours my body is all crazy and cussing at my brain for another?
Pain medicine should last as long as the bottle says it will. I would totally take more but I’m afraid to. Everyone ever is always “don’t take more than the recommend dose.” Recommended is just a suggestion and if anyone can make a suggestion, then I think I should be allowed to suggest to myself that I take more. But I don’t because I only have a degree in being an asshole and I still need to go to work every day.
Which is the real reason why I’m awake and typing this right now. I’ve already taken two naproxen today and since there is only 24 hours in one day I can’t take another until tomorrow. But I also have to work at 4am tomorrow so I can’t take a Vicodin or I might sleep through my alarms. What I think I’m trying to say is, my pain medicine isn’t working but I can’t take any more. I also want to say that I’m exhausted and I want to sleep but the pain is keeping me awake. This is what I get for loving parties with themes and opportunities to wear wedge heels.
Shoe talk time!! Get the fuck excited!! These sweet sluts started out as red velvet. They were the shit. But I needed a pair of glitter shoes to complete my look for the Mardi Gras party last year. Last year I was obsessed with wedges. I made one of the hardest decisions of my life and converted the red velvet to the glitter masterpieces pictured. If your eyes can’t read glitter properly(don’t feel bad, many people are glitterate) there are pieces of purple and green mixed into the dominant gold glitter. Mardi Gras glitter shoes!! I know. They’re fucking amazing. You can see why I wanted to wear them again. Plus, I only wore them to the one party last year. They don’t really go with anything else ever. I’m not saying this pain isn’t “worth it.” It’s just really hard to not question your life decisions when you can feel your back pain taunting your will to live.

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