the worst human being in the world

Raise your hand if you’ve ever spent too much time wondering if the words slurred from a drunken mouth are truths or lies.
Don’t feel bad about it. I spent almost all of 2012 and too much of 2013 mindfucked with that exact dilemma.
Then I read an article that was all drunk people tell the truth but it doesn’t mean shit if they can’t say it sober.
It took me a long time to stop seeing myself as anything other than damaged. For an entire year I had been repeatedly peed on, lied to, ignored, insulted, and attacked in ways I need more than one word to describe. I refuse to say or believe that the entire relationship was negative so I won’t.
I spent a long time wallowing in how much that damage made me hate myself. If you’re at all familiar with recovery terms, I was allowing someone rent-free space in my head.
My New Years resolutions to quit smoking again and to quit caffeine are a reaction to my addictive relationship with an active alcoholic. I don’t want to be controlled by any addictions. Ever again. I want to be in control of my actions and my thoughts.
My entire brain belongs to me and I am in control of who is allowed to live there, no one gets in if I’m the one that has to pay for it. P.S. That’s the dream not the reality.
So I live by the truth of that article. If someone says something to me while drunk, it doesn’t count if they can’t, won’t, or don’t repeat it when they’re sober. For the most part, this truth is easy to accept as a super nifty mental rule.

Drunk words never happened.

But I’ve only been living by drunk words never happened for a month. I have very deep, very disturbing self-destructive and paranoid theories about how everyone ever hates me because I’m horrible and unloveable. Sober or drunk, if someone says something to trigger the beast inside that hates everything I am, that drunk dick’s words turn into a horror movie serial killer jumping out from every dark corner in my mind.
In other news, I haven’t pooped since Friday. I don’t like to go longer than 24 hours without pooping. Not pooping is the opposite of Hershey squirts, which is usually what fills the toilet bowl when I’m taking antibiotics.
Also, anyone else ever notice that the first day of antibiotic consumption, the pills never smell, all other days the smell gets more pronounced and grody? I’m on day 7 and the bottle smells so nasty. But yesterday it wasn’t as bad. I’m serious. It fucking smells and it smells wrong.


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