I heart Thursday so hardcore

I started my period yesterday. You’re welcome.
Sometimes my period makes me all kinds of paranoid. I’ll start to suspect that I’m missing all kinds of social cues that are stupid important. Like I smell bad always or everybody hates me. Or everyone thinks I’m an asshole, which is for reals truth I only happen to be sensitive about during my period. Every other day that my vagina isn’t bleeding I give no fucks what anyone thinks about me. But when my vagina is busy crying vampire tears, I care what everyone ever in the history of time thinks about me in all tenses: past, present, future, and never.
My point is I am all kinds of sensitive and it fucking sucks in all kinds of ways.
Today I took John Henry to school, had a brief 10 minute conversation with his teacher, and cried the whole seven minute walk home.
I was throwing myself a mini “single mother” pity party. In the long run, I’m glad my baby daddy left us when he did. He was crazy. Which is why I loved fucking him. But I cannot imagine trying to raise a kid with his level of crazy. I’d be crying every day.
Sometimes I just want to share the story. Or maybe I just want to sit in someone’s lap and get a hug that firmly suggests to my body and my brain all my pain and hurt is only temporary and minimal.
I just wish I could tell John Henry’s teacher that when she says shit like his problems with focus and attention will impact his ability to reach his potential she is talking at not to the core of my inner child. Thanks for repeating what every fucking report card had written on it from every fucking teacher I ever had.
And it’s not her fault. And it’s not John Henry’s fault. And I try to remind myself that I’m trying and it’s not really my fault and I’m doing everything I can and this is just kindergarten and I can’t keep crying about this shit I have to get used to it and push through the pain to do what it takes to make progress happen for John Henry.
When I was little and I would get the “potential” bullshit talk I would get so fucking pissed. They wanted me to reach my potential for shit that was boring and stupid. They wanted me to think about and focus on lame ass whatever.
I will never tell John Henry that if he doesn’t focus and pay attention he won’t reach his potential. I don’t believe that reaching someone else’s view of standardized potential is important. I believe that getting an education helps people to have an economic advantage in life and I don’t want John Henry to struggle if he doesn’t have to.


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