Listing My Failures Till it Hurts

The thing I hate the most about a list day is that at the end of the day I have a visual record of how much I suck at life. Because the little voice of hateful in my head isn’t on repeat enough. I guess.
Just to get it all out of the way the following is what I forgot from my shit to do list.
SHIT I FORGT TO DO TODAY AND WILL NOW HAVE TO DO TOMORROW
-pack John Henry’s lunch(not my fault, I can’t pack a lunchbox that someone forgot to bring home from school)
-take John Henry to library to return library books and pay for week late library books(confession; I also forgot his school library book. That we never read last week)
-get eyebrows threaded(I need to do this so bad. I can feel the hairs over my eyes growing. It feels so ugly. I can only avoid the mirror for so long)
-repaint nails.(halfway there. I call that a win)
-wash and replace all bedding on bed(I can’t stop itching my head. I just know we’re going to get lice. It’s the last thing I need right now so I mean if it doesn’t happen, I will have a heart attack from the surprise and not from all the caffeine I take daily. DO NOT BELIEVE ANYONE THAT SAYS OTHERWISE)
-everything after and also including exercise

Tonight at basketball practice two older boys were mean to John Henry. They physically hurt him. On purpose. I know kids are assholes but it is so hard to be objective. I know John Henry doesn’t need me to defend him. I know kids have to fight their own battles but I just want to be able to at least I don’t know. Something. Anything. I hate that I hate people. I wish I was a nice person. I wish I was outgoing. I wish I enjoyed eye contact and attention with strangers. I wish I didn’t have to spend entire conversations hiding my boredom with, hatred for, and uneasiness over pointless communication with other adults. I think most people suck and I would do anything to not think that.

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